Bobbi MacKenzie had seen it all in her twenty years as an NYPD homicide detective. Or so she thought. She strode through the door of the Upper West Side apartment to her partner, Joe Tolle. She had that gimme-the-facts-skip-the-bullshit expression she’d honed over the years.
“You’re not gonna believe this,” said Joe, “You know how sometimes we say that knowing, of course, you’re gonna believe it? Well this time you’re not gonna believe this.”
“Joe,” said Bobbi, “More facts, less bullshit.”
“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” said Joe, “The victim is Barbara Nicholas, 35. She was an elf.”
“Excuse me?” said Bobbi.
“Oh! Not a real elf. No no no. She wasn’t like that smokin’ hot Tauriel. Or, worse, like that one elf. What’s his name? Dobby? Yeah, Dobby! How weird would that be?”
“Joe! Facts! Please.”
“Sorry! You know I get nervous when these things are all messed up,” he said, “Anyway, she was one of Santa’s elves at Macy’s. The downstairs neighbor, a Mrs. Wickersham, called it in. Said she heard the deceased having a rousing round of assault with a friendly weapon, if you know what I mean. Attack on the pink fortress? Blitzkrieg mit dem fleischgewehr!”
“Sorry. Having sex. After a couple hours…”
“A couple hours?”
“Yes. She and her two mini-Dachshunds couldn’t take it anymore so they came up to complain. The door was ajar so they knocked and came in. That’s when she saw the victim.” He motioned to the Christmas tree behind him.
Bobbi glanced behind Joe to see officers surrounding the Christmas tree gathering evidence. As she neared the tree she saw each body part packaged into neatly-wrapped, bloody gifts. Bobbi turned back to Joe.
“Were there any other witnesses?” she said.
“Um, all of us. Sort of.”
“Well Merry goddamned Christmas! With so many witnesses we’ll have this guy by lunch and I won’t have to miss my date tonight.”
He led Bobbi into the victim’s bedroom. The mattress looked like it had been hacked with a sharp object. A crimson Merry Christmas covered the wall behind the bed.
“That matches the victim’s blood,” said Joe pointing to the wall. “But you’ll want to see this.” He stepped over to the video camera and pressed play with his gloved hand.
“He filmed this?”
Images flickered onto the flat-screen TV. Bobbi watched as the victim and a man wearing a fake, white beard and Santa hat engaged in violent sexual acts. She began to feel aroused, but motioned for Joe to fast forward. He stopped at the point where the man in the Santa hat snapped the victim’s neck. A few moments later he stepped out of the camera’s view and returned with a hand axe and began the brutal dismemberment.
“He has a tattoo.” said Bobbi pointing at the TV. “There’s an ornate M beginning the phrase Merry Christmas.”
Her mind flashed to her overdue date later that evening. He has a tattoo and it begins with an ornate M.
Inspired by The Waitresses – Christmas Wrapping